I love this! In addition to it being important to use the save limited self-control for situations where the need for it cannot be mitigated, I've always noticed that kids, even young kids, are very good at telling the difference between the situations where it can and cannot be mitigated and often handle the situations in which we are doing all we can for them and facing something hard together so much better than they would handle being made to face something hard for no reason other than to practice doing hard things.
Love this perspective so much. I find this communicative framework not only more respectful but also **more realistic** in daily life than "because I said so"/punitive approaches! At least for my family's particular personality+skills mix. We've been practicing our "museum manners" and "restaurant manners" some lately, and it is messy but imo worth it.
This is great. I especially second the value of taking kids to things like museums, concerts because it does let them practice “how to behave” in these environments and makes them much more comfortable and confident as adults. My late father was a music professor so we attended operas, concerts, plays and ballets constantly from when I was quite small. We also visited A LOT of big museums like the Smithsonians on vacations and I never realized how much I had learned to move confidently and politely in these spaces early until I was an adult and met people who hadn’t had those opportunities. My parents were pretty authoritarian but they did model decorum in public places well for me and my PhysEd teacher mother had a pretty solid grasp of child development. By the time I had my own child I had learned how to plan appropriately around her developmental age and set her up for success.
This is so, so good! What a great breakdown of authoritative parenting. Set them up for success, don’t demand what is unreachable in this developmental period and then react by punishing your way into compliance. Hours outside, every day where this is possible.
Re public transportation, I do wish there was any form of kid-friendly public transport in the US. Everyone is just crammed together for hours and this is where annoyance comes from on all fronts.
Urbanism is a huge, huge topic and intersects so much with parenting and childhood liberation. There’s so much to say about how streets and transportation planning can make or break your parenting!
Can you say more about what you mean by punishing your way into compliance? Because that’s not what I’m going when I exit a situation. It’s not punitive. It may seem like nitpicking and using different words for the same thing but I don’t think it is.
The definition of a punishment is to create an unpleasant consequence to reduce the occurrence of the unwanted behavior. The thing is, an overwhelmed child is sometimes very happy to exit the overwhelming situation. If your aim was to punish, what then? Do you escalate?
I exit a situation to hold a boundary, by making the unwanted behavior mechanically impossible. My child cannot yell in a restaurant if they are not inside the restaurant. Holding the boundary is tautological: it is about holding the boundary and nothing else. It is not intended as a teaching moment (although learning does happen, incidentally). It is a moment of kindness: a child is powerless to meet my expectations, so I lend them my power so that they are not failing anymore.
I meant it as the traditional example of how we treat children (punish into compliance) and was saying you are NOT doing it. I reread my comment and I didn’t word it very well. “Don’t demand what is unreachable in this developmental period and then react by punishing your way into compliance” is one thought, not two separate statements.
You aren’t nitpicking; the distinction is important!
I love this! In addition to it being important to use the save limited self-control for situations where the need for it cannot be mitigated, I've always noticed that kids, even young kids, are very good at telling the difference between the situations where it can and cannot be mitigated and often handle the situations in which we are doing all we can for them and facing something hard together so much better than they would handle being made to face something hard for no reason other than to practice doing hard things.
Love this perspective so much. I find this communicative framework not only more respectful but also **more realistic** in daily life than "because I said so"/punitive approaches! At least for my family's particular personality+skills mix. We've been practicing our "museum manners" and "restaurant manners" some lately, and it is messy but imo worth it.
This is great. I especially second the value of taking kids to things like museums, concerts because it does let them practice “how to behave” in these environments and makes them much more comfortable and confident as adults. My late father was a music professor so we attended operas, concerts, plays and ballets constantly from when I was quite small. We also visited A LOT of big museums like the Smithsonians on vacations and I never realized how much I had learned to move confidently and politely in these spaces early until I was an adult and met people who hadn’t had those opportunities. My parents were pretty authoritarian but they did model decorum in public places well for me and my PhysEd teacher mother had a pretty solid grasp of child development. By the time I had my own child I had learned how to plan appropriately around her developmental age and set her up for success.
This is so, so good! What a great breakdown of authoritative parenting. Set them up for success, don’t demand what is unreachable in this developmental period and then react by punishing your way into compliance. Hours outside, every day where this is possible.
Re public transportation, I do wish there was any form of kid-friendly public transport in the US. Everyone is just crammed together for hours and this is where annoyance comes from on all fronts.
Urbanism is a huge, huge topic and intersects so much with parenting and childhood liberation. There’s so much to say about how streets and transportation planning can make or break your parenting!
Can you say more about what you mean by punishing your way into compliance? Because that’s not what I’m going when I exit a situation. It’s not punitive. It may seem like nitpicking and using different words for the same thing but I don’t think it is.
The definition of a punishment is to create an unpleasant consequence to reduce the occurrence of the unwanted behavior. The thing is, an overwhelmed child is sometimes very happy to exit the overwhelming situation. If your aim was to punish, what then? Do you escalate?
I exit a situation to hold a boundary, by making the unwanted behavior mechanically impossible. My child cannot yell in a restaurant if they are not inside the restaurant. Holding the boundary is tautological: it is about holding the boundary and nothing else. It is not intended as a teaching moment (although learning does happen, incidentally). It is a moment of kindness: a child is powerless to meet my expectations, so I lend them my power so that they are not failing anymore.
I meant it as the traditional example of how we treat children (punish into compliance) and was saying you are NOT doing it. I reread my comment and I didn’t word it very well. “Don’t demand what is unreachable in this developmental period and then react by punishing your way into compliance” is one thought, not two separate statements.
You aren’t nitpicking; the distinction is important!
Oh okay, I see it now! Yes your comment makes sense!